Ryder spotted Scott sitting down against a tree, staring off into the distance. The kid still had his spear clutched tight in his grip, the knuckles clenching so hard they had turned white, and had yet to clean the blood off of his spear or clothes. Scott didn’t react as Ryder approached, or even give an indication he knew Ryder was there.
For a moment Ryder just squatted down next to him and watched the boy. They had all been through this in the past, but seeing Scott lie this made I’m think of his own experience. For a moment he was back in the quarry, desperately shouting warnings before driving his weapon in. Then he closed the memory off. Now wasn’t the time for old wounds, when there were new ones to dress.
“Hey there kid,” he said, “how are you feeling?” As he spoke, Ryder put one hand on the bos shoulder while the other gently pulled the spear out of Scott’s grip and placed it on the ground next to them. Scott didn’t seem to know what to do with his hand, eventually just placing it in his lap. For a moment he didn’t speak, then just before Ryder started talking again he began talking.
“What’s wrong with me? We’re supposed to e ready for this. All the instructors talked about how we’d be able to do it without problems, how we’d be strong enough to move past it. So why do I want to throw up?” Scott began to cry now. “Why do I keep thinking about them? Why couldn’t they have just stayed in Gamma Town?”
Ryder looked at the kid for a moment, then started talking. “What your instructors told you…was bullshit. But it was a very kind form of bullshit. This sucks, and it doesn’t get easier, and every time will feel just as bad as this one. It never changes, so you have to be the one to change. You have to find some way to deal with the feeling. And that makes it easier, because your prepared and have a plan to address it.” Scott was looking at him now. “The key is to realize that you don’t have to deal with it alone. Everyone here knows what you’re dealing with, and will always have your back. If you ever need someone to talk to, we’ll all be ready and willing. But you have to talk. Alone these feelings will crush you. No one is strong enough to carry this burden by themselves, not without breaking or losing something.”
Scott seemed to struggle with himself for a moment, tears welling back up. “I’m not sure I can talk about it.” Ryder nodded towards him and gave a small smile. “That’s O.K. You need some time, right now it too fresh. Try to focus on your job, or the reason we fight, something to pull you back into a normal routine. When your centered again, its easier to talk about. I also have some books that talk about this back home. You might find something in there that helps. Right now you just need to focus on relaxing, then the recovery can start.”
“So then I’ll be fixed? Everything can be normal again?”
Ryder let out a sigh at that question. He could remember asking the same thing once. And he would always remember what he had been told. “This takes time. There’s no way to make everything good again in an instant, and even when you’re better the memories and feelings will stay with you. Recovery is a process that never really ends.”
Ryder stood up and brushed the dirt off his pants. “For now though, we need to focus on our jobs. We need to see the Mega Tran through to the mines. The lake tribe might be fine with us, but we don’t want to hang out on their land for too long regardless. The others all set up the tents, so me and you are on cooing duty. Go clean yourself up, then you get to be my assistant chef for the day. I’ll deal with your spear, so no need to worry on that.”
Scott wiped the tears from his face and nodded. He stood up and saluted, then turned and moved away towards a nearby stream to clean himself off.
“Hey kid,” Ryder called after him, “we’ll get you through this. You’ll be alright.”
For a moment Ryder just squatted down next to him and watched the boy. They had all been through this in the past, but seeing Scott lie this made I’m think of his own experience. For a moment he was back in the quarry, desperately shouting warnings before driving his weapon in. Then he closed the memory off. Now wasn’t the time for old wounds, when there were new ones to dress.
“Hey there kid,” he said, “how are you feeling?” As he spoke, Ryder put one hand on the bos shoulder while the other gently pulled the spear out of Scott’s grip and placed it on the ground next to them. Scott didn’t seem to know what to do with his hand, eventually just placing it in his lap. For a moment he didn’t speak, then just before Ryder started talking again he began talking.
“What’s wrong with me? We’re supposed to e ready for this. All the instructors talked about how we’d be able to do it without problems, how we’d be strong enough to move past it. So why do I want to throw up?” Scott began to cry now. “Why do I keep thinking about them? Why couldn’t they have just stayed in Gamma Town?”
Ryder looked at the kid for a moment, then started talking. “What your instructors told you…was bullshit. But it was a very kind form of bullshit. This sucks, and it doesn’t get easier, and every time will feel just as bad as this one. It never changes, so you have to be the one to change. You have to find some way to deal with the feeling. And that makes it easier, because your prepared and have a plan to address it.” Scott was looking at him now. “The key is to realize that you don’t have to deal with it alone. Everyone here knows what you’re dealing with, and will always have your back. If you ever need someone to talk to, we’ll all be ready and willing. But you have to talk. Alone these feelings will crush you. No one is strong enough to carry this burden by themselves, not without breaking or losing something.”
Scott seemed to struggle with himself for a moment, tears welling back up. “I’m not sure I can talk about it.” Ryder nodded towards him and gave a small smile. “That’s O.K. You need some time, right now it too fresh. Try to focus on your job, or the reason we fight, something to pull you back into a normal routine. When your centered again, its easier to talk about. I also have some books that talk about this back home. You might find something in there that helps. Right now you just need to focus on relaxing, then the recovery can start.”
“So then I’ll be fixed? Everything can be normal again?”
Ryder let out a sigh at that question. He could remember asking the same thing once. And he would always remember what he had been told. “This takes time. There’s no way to make everything good again in an instant, and even when you’re better the memories and feelings will stay with you. Recovery is a process that never really ends.”
Ryder stood up and brushed the dirt off his pants. “For now though, we need to focus on our jobs. We need to see the Mega Tran through to the mines. The lake tribe might be fine with us, but we don’t want to hang out on their land for too long regardless. The others all set up the tents, so me and you are on cooing duty. Go clean yourself up, then you get to be my assistant chef for the day. I’ll deal with your spear, so no need to worry on that.”
Scott wiped the tears from his face and nodded. He stood up and saluted, then turned and moved away towards a nearby stream to clean himself off.
“Hey kid,” Ryder called after him, “we’ll get you through this. You’ll be alright.”